Random Thoughts

Happiness knows no reasons. And sadness doesn’t, either. A trip to the psychiatrist, no matter how casually you take, is enough to force you to start introspecting. It is not easy to write about such things, which are deeply personal, over a public blog. But still I will try to write about it a bit, without getting into specifics.

I have always known that there is one single thought in life that determines everything that you do, and all the things that you want to. It is like a black hole at the center of the galaxy, which channels all your energy towards a common goal. I used to think that for me, this is the desire to gain prestige. And I had many reasons to believe so. I decided to go for JEE because there were so many from my family who had gone there, and I wanted to live up to others’ expectations. I decided to go for CAT because all my friends were applying, and I didn’t want to feel left out in the race. I slogged throughout the first year, scrapped my social life completely, just to be a bit ahead in the race for glory. It was all for prestige, and ego. Or so, I used to think. The result ? Even after pondering for 10 minutes, I had no answer to the question that the psychiatrist asked me, “So what makes you happy, Rahul?”

After her feedback, now I know, or rather believe, that it is some different engine that drives the car of my life.

The only thing I want to do is to build a little sandhouse which is strong enough to bear all the currents of the river. But I can’t seem to get the walls thick enough. I want all my family to stay there, with me. But I can’t seem to get it big enough. I want all the toys in the world to be there, so that I can play with them when I want. But I can’t seem to have enough money to buy all of them. I want my sweetheart to play with me all day long. But I am not sure she won’t run to some other sandhouse which is bigger, stronger, and whose owner looks better and has a better collection of toys. So I live through the day, dreading that in the night a big current will come while I would be fast asleep and will sweep everything I own. In the night I pray to god to give me a little money to buy a few more toys, and keep telling him until I sleep that I don’t want any other sandhouse near mine.

But I can’t make my house so thick that no current can break it. I can’t make it so big that it will satisfy everybody. I can’t have money to buy all the world. And I can’t keep comparing myself with each and every other person my sweetheart meets. I am human, and I have my own limitations. Whether or not I understand them, I am not sure.

I drink because it takes away my ability to think. I run, not because I want to, but because it makes me so tired that I am not able to think anything once I go to bed. I know I am running. I know I am running to get away from my sandhouse, and all the other problems that it will bring.

What I don’t know is how long will I keep running away from myself. And I don’t know what makes me happy. Life can be much excruciating if your dreams get bigger than you. Sometimes I wonder…… death should be peaceful.